What NOT to Do if You Ever Find Yourself in a Straightjacket in a Padded Room


Please note that the following article is completely devoid of a sense of humor. So if you find yourself chuckling, this was not the intent of the author and he asks that you kindly frown and mope around, masking the desire to giggle (especially if it’s for the wrong reasons).

The Tension Mounts

Stamas Bro Homer, who lives in NYC, although well into his 50’s, suddenly realizes he is over the age of the big “5 – 0” and has a mental breakdown complete with seeing spirals and everything! Turns out the main cause of him becoming a basket case is that because of losing his mind he hasn’t been able to finally get down to to the point of writing the post you are reading right now!

At All Cost

Keeping the StamasBros.com brand alive is extremely important to Stamas Bro Homer, so once being locked up in an insane asylum didn’t help matters. He had just been asked to consult on the Platinum PIAs, but that was simply a distant memory at the moment, tick tock tick tock. The goal was to use any kind of therapy necessary so he could be rehabilitated to the point of being able to continue composing this article.


Stamas Bro Aristotle, who resides in the exact center of California (it’s marked by a stone, seriously), had to go a little “off center” in order to drive to the airport to then come into New York City to check in on his brother. Once in the Big Apple, and on his way to the institution Homer is being kept in, Aristotle purchases a postcard that has on it the phrase “Greetings from New York.” Hmmm.

Could Take a While

Meanwhile, the members of the psychiatric staff supervising Stamas Bro Homer, are attempting to bring him back to sanity by using Goatee Therapy. This therapy takes a while because the patient has to actually grow a goatee beard.

Too Bad it Wasn’t as Simple as Resting Easy and Drinking Lots of Fluids

What the staff didn’t anticipate was that Homer’s beard would have grey specks in it, which because he was experiencing Age-Itis withdrawals, merely sent Stamas Bro Homer more deeply into his psychosis. He had an impaired relationship with reality complete with hallucinations and delusions about his birth date as well as falsely believing he is really-really good at playing Monopoly, Sponge Bob Edition. Or for that matter, the Pokemon one.


Stamas Bro Aristotle was now in a cab on his way to the mental institution while the staff in the hospital room with Homer try another strategy. This time they dye his hair and beard dark brown to match his natural hair color in an attempt to fake him into into thinking he is twenty years younger.

Unfortunately Stamas Bro Homer Still Has Problems

In the next installment of the Stamas Bros we have a lot of questions to answer: will hair/beard dying work as a therapy? Or it just make a mess that’s hard to clean up? Can Stamas Bro Aristotle bring Homer back to reality with Shamanism? Or is it Animism? Not quite sure. Will the Stamas Bros still be able to consult on the Platinum PIAs? And why did Aristotle purchase a “Greetings from New York” postcard? Who does he intend to send it to? But I digress. The most important question of all is “When will Stamas Bro Homer ever get a chance to actually write the post you are now reading?!”

The Manager Who Was a Guru

A Sage Enters their Lives

The Stamas Bros were in a pickle. They are over 50? No, that’s not the pickle they’re in, it is that they have a new manager representing both of them. This “Guru”was formerly in the New Age Biz (before the term became antiquated) and had been known as “The 15 Year Old Perfect Master,” a popular guru in Southern and Northern California.

Needing a New Title

But once he turned 16 he could no longer bill himself as “The 15 Year Old Perfect Master” and the problem was that “The 16 Year Old Perfect Master” didn’t have the same ring to it. Kind of like the Platinum PIAs Awards trying to come up with a new name. Each one they try doesn’t seem to stick.

Mom Comes to the Rescue

So he was facing a big challenge as to what his profession should be now. He almost decided on becoming a welder. In fact he was in the process of purchasing a protective mask when he got a phone call from his mother who suggested that he stay in show biz (and being a “New Age” guru IS show biz) and become a talent manager instead.

Pickle, Pickle, Who Wants a Pickle?

Years later at age 35, he was a successful artist’s rep and saw the potential in the Stamas Bros and their internet wackiness and therefore approached them to become their representative because he liked their Over 50 USA humor (loosely called that, very loosely). This was not how the Stamas Bros were in a pickle though.

Ageless Wonders

The Stamas Bros were in a pickle because just when their manager booked them to be interviewed by Over50USA.com both brothers, Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle, were suffering from a simultaneous and severe case of denial in the form of them believing they were in their mid thirties and not in their mid fifties and therefore put up a fight about being interviewed by Over50USA.

Getting in Touch with Your Inner Child

Because Stamas Bro Homer lived in New York City and Stamas Bro Aristotle resided in the exact center of California, their manager had set up a group phone call with them to be interviewed by Liz Fontaine, the reporter for Over50USA. Ms. Fontaine had ironically just come out of an intense 12 hour therapy session trying to come to terms that she herself was 51.

How NOT to Deal with Someone Having a Hard Time with Aging

So when the Stamas Bros, on the group phone call, claimed to be 35 and fraternal twins, it caused Fontaine to question her own issues and she lost it and threw a tantrum. The breakdown was about her claim that the bros were being selfish claiming to be 35 because it caused her problems with her own self image.

A “Split” (not to be confused with 60’s slang meaning departure)

She went on further to reveal that because she had finally come to terms that she was 51 (and even joined AARP) that the bros were being thoughtless with mid thirties claim. Lizzy asserted that the bros were responsible for causing her to question her own self image causing a SPLIT in her psyche.

A Tireless Alignment with Youthfulness

The Stamas Bros apologized for causing Lizzy to have a panic attack but stood firm with their story of both being 35. Since one of the Bros founded the Platinum PIAs and the PIAs as of this writing have been around a decade, the PIAs producer even went as far as saying he was 25 when he did his first show!

Bye Bye Liz

When the mental institution paddy wagon came to pick up Liz, she had regressed even more so, believing she was 18 and just graduating from high school so she had to get a blue cap and gown because her school color was blue. Fortunately the paddy wagon attendants had gotten the heads up and came with a blue cap and gown used as bait to get her into a straitjacket.

And So it Goes

The Stamas Bros never did do the Over50USA interview and have registered for a T.S.C. (Thirty Something Cruise).