Possible Humor Violations
Hello Stamas Bros Fans. This is Stamas Bro Homer (the Offical Stamas Bros Documenter) with a read at your own risk disclaimer.
The problem started when I began to read out loud to my 10 year old a work-in-progress version of the story you are about to peruse. I hadn’t even gotten to the second short paragraph from the top when Stamas Daughter Anne held up her hand.
“Stop. How long do you think this is going to take the average reader to get through?”
“I don’t know. Maybe 5 minutes or so.”
“That’s going to be a waste of 5 minutes for the fans. The fans like the Stamas Bros because their website makes them laugh. This new piece you’ve been hawking to me is indeed laughable, but for all the wrong reasons. Bottom line, it’s not funny in any way. Destroy it before you tarnish the Stamas Bros brand as being something they can depend on for a chuckle.”
I tried to reason with Stamas Daughter Anne, citing examples from the absurdist literature canon. I begged her to consider the possibility that my written work functioned as a kind of long form joke.
She would have no part of it and went back to baking a key lime pie. I wanted a slice of it myself once it was finished, so I bit my tongue.
A Few Hours Later
I read the forthcoming tale to myself. I was convinced of its value even if it was flawed and probably had less yucks in it than the average Stamas Bros Installment. So here it is:
A Third Stamas Bro Appears on the Scene and Questions his Own Stamasness
“V” is believed to be the half brother of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle. “V” has recently been deprogrammed from a life of gang violence. His posse proclivity comes from a deep seated need to belong. The hope is that if he is indeed related to the famous Stamas Bros then maybe being around them will give him a sense of belonging, of importance.
“V” Comes with Lots of Maintenance
“V” needs to heal and get back on the healthy track to becoming an attorney or accountant. The last sentence was very important. Let’s say it again. REPEAT “V” must become and attorney or accountant (or even a phsycian).
This is the plan of “V’s” mother and especially his father (who is allegedly the missing dad of Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle). V’s parents are very strict about the rule that under NO CONDITION shall he be ALLOWED to become an artist. REPEAT he is NOT to be CREATIVE in any way!
A First Meeting Fraught with Trouble
When “V” meets with the Stamas Bros for the first time Stamas Bro Homer is there live and in person with “V,” but Stamas Bro Aristotle is being Skyped in from North Fork (near Fresno) as he asks “V” the unaskable:
“Hey “V.” How come they just call you the letter after “U?”
“V,” looking anguished, slips to the floor and curls up into the fetal position while starting to softly cry. Then he looks up like a puddle on a dewy morn and utters:
“Because I h-h-hate my real name. It’s V-V-Vasilios!”
A Second Meeting with “V”
For the following “getting to know you” session about a week later, Stamas Bro Homer and Stamas Bro Aristotle (via Skype) meet with SHBV at a Greek Diner.
Stamas Bro Homer is trying to appear very upbeat as he questions out loud:
“Isn’t it great we’re in a GREEK Diner in Little GREECE?”
Stamas Bro Homer flips through the menu as he continues to speak without thinking.
“I love the GREEK arches design on this menu. I think I’m going to have the GREEK salad, maybe with a side dish of GREEK olives. I was originally planning on going to England this summer but now instead I think I’m going to go to G-“
“-reece?”
Says Stamas Half Bro Vasilios abruptly finishing the word for Stamas Bro Homer.
“V” appears to have a very different demeanor this week and is slathered in olive oil, his biceps bulging.
He gets within just inches of Stamas Bro Homer and speaks softly and menacingly.
“What gives Bro, Stamas Bro?”
Then Vasilios speaks menacingly softly.
“Are ya trying to make me feel welcome? Huh?! Are you tryin’ to make this half breed feel as if he belongs?!”
Vasilios jumps up onto the table, now with every eye in the joint on him.
“Listen up folks. Meet my long lost half brothers who are tryin’ to make me – only half Greek – feel as though I belong!”
Stamas Bro Aristotle nods to Stamas Bro Homer. Stamas Bro Homer returns the nod and then pulls out from his pocket a white card with something printed on it that we cannot see.
Homer hands the card to Aristotle. Aristotle looks down at the card (the face of which we still can’t see) and nods in reaction to what he views.
Aristotle hands the card to Stamas Half Bro Vasilios, just in the nick of time, because Vasilios has started to dance for money and is about to remove his shirt.
Stamas Bro Aristotle locks eyes with Vasilios. Their eyes locked, Stamas Bro Aristotle tries to hand the card to Vasilios whose hand keeps missing grabbing the card from him (because he can’t see where the card is located being that their eyes are locked).
Finally Vasilios, manages to grab the card from Aristotle and looks down at it.
He then begins a primal scream as the card face up drops to the floor and he soon follows.
Stamas Bro Homer pleads with Stamas Half Bro Vasilios.
“I just wanted to show you that I – Homer – and Aristotle have a lot in common with you Vasilios. That’s why I put symbolic versions of each of us three in a row. From the left to right Homer, Aristotle and Vasilios. I used a statue head to represent me – Homer – and one for Aristotle. But I couldn’t find a statue head of Vasilios so I just put a picture of that guy who played soccer.”
Homer motions to toward the face up card. But the damage had been done. Turns out Stamas Half Bro Vasilios wasn’t a soccer fan, but did have a passion for politics and therefore would have preferred that the photo used to represent him was of the late Vasilios Magginas.
FIN
